Soup Satirist Pillows

'-and not only was my soup COLD - but the fly in it had frostbite!'

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

Need a vitaminlike pill, but don't want to risk the side effects? Then try the world's first multivitamin placebo! They don't do any good, but they don't do any harm either.

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

Edna, I fear our love doesn't have a future... My parents would eat you!

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"Before I serve you dinner, it was in the chicken's last wishes that you watch his video will."

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

"Is this because I didn’t eat my kale?"

'People soup again?'

"Gimme a double burger between two burgers. And hold the lettuce; it only dilutes the experience."

'This is not Hungarian stew. Sorry, the butcher ran out of Hungarians.'

Outsaucing - A dollop of sauce has been put on a customer's plate from a long arm from afar.

'... we've got a crowd of, oh I'd say fourteen million organisms here for the annual 'Salmonella potato salad bowl'!'

'For obvious reasons the chowder's made with chicken and pork.'

"He's Britains most eligible Spatula."

"Riddle your salad with pepper, sir?"

Hot Dog... Flavored meat-like substances

Your Dinner is in the Tin