Supplement Cynic Gifts

"I'm sorry to say your husband took so many antioxidants, he suffocated."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

Someday

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

Gullibility Test $1.00.

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

Sadie, I don't want you to stay in this relationship just because it's convenient. I think the counselor would agree. Counseling $10. Wow. Of course. Counselors never tell you what they think. I think we're overpaying.

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

'The dip in profits here is attributed to the purchase of this projector and screen.'

Obama builds own gallows.

Are these sessions as soul-deadening for you as they are for me, doctor? Let's not have a contest, Al. Or, if we do, no wagering.

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

"Where's that special cartridge we use to print campaign promises...the one with disappearing ink?"

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"And in this section it appears that you have not only alienated voters but actually infected them, too."

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

'What you need is some negative growth.'

'Stock prices are down; Bond prices are down; North Korea are threatening nuclear war...have a nice night's sleep.'

'Our government is comprised of three branches - politicians, lobbyists, and the media.'

"This looks good."

'Here's an over-the-counter prescription for your nerves. Have your bartender fill it.'

'The following program may not be suitable for those of you who are sick and tired of politics....'

'Let's talk about your smoking problem.'

'These are fine, but what's in it for me?'

Too Good to be true - 50c.