Culinary Cynic Gifts

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'The customer is always right...'

'The food is horrible - it's just like being back home!'

Severe Food Criticism.

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

"Dinner is on the table. Just not prepared."

Recipes from The I-Seriously-Don't-Care Cookbook.

'Two beef and pork by-products and a turkey dog, please!'

"This food is bad enough without you diagnosing it!"

'Horsemeat in pies, eh, sir, who can you trust nowadays?'

Hospital food. Because you're just not sick enough.

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

View to the Future

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

Too much cilantro

"Hmmm ... you're right — I forgot the brie."

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

"Is the MSG local?"

Countervailing Clichés.

The Origins of Everything

"I'll have the egg-yellow omelette."

'We finished all the repairs in the cafeteria kitchen this morning, but the food still tastes lousy.'

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

"No, my consomme was perfect, but my husbands calamari is a little underdone."

'Someone's been tampering with this chicken. It tastes like chicken.'

"Oh joy. Looks like the turkey is almost done..."