Culinary Cynic Gifts

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

'The customer is always right...'

'The food is horrible - it's just like being back home!'

Severe Food Criticism.

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

"Dinner is on the table. Just not prepared."

Recipes from The I-Seriously-Don't-Care Cookbook.

'Two beef and pork by-products and a turkey dog, please!'

"This food is bad enough without you diagnosing it!"

'Horsemeat in pies, eh, sir, who can you trust nowadays?'

Hospital food. Because you're just not sick enough.

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Something romantic, perhaps?"

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

View to the Future

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

"Hmmm ... you're right — I forgot the brie."

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"Is the MSG local?"

"It's good to know she was butchered for a noble cause."

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

Too much cilantro

Countervailing Clichés.

The Origins of Everything

"I'll have the egg-yellow omelette."

"We've both made mistakes, Doug, but I consider the appetizers to be a thing of the past."

"Nice try, Mom, but I'm going to go with a caterer."