Culinary Cynics Gifts

"I used to take photos of my meals, but once you've seen one salad..."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

View to the Future

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

"Is the MSG local?"

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

Too much cilantro

"Hmmm ... you're right — I forgot the brie."

Countervailing Clichés.

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

"I'll have the egg-yellow omelette."

"Oh joy. Looks like the turkey is almost done..."

'We finished all the repairs in the cafeteria kitchen this morning, but the food still tastes lousy.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Nice try, Mom, but I'm going to go with a caterer."

'Someone's been tampering with this chicken. It tastes like chicken.'

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

"No, my consomme was perfect, but my husbands calamari is a little underdone."

"We've both made mistakes, Doug, but I consider the appetizers to be a thing of the past."

Mrs. Robot attempts to improve her family's diet.

"Eggshell in omelette make Hulk angry!"

"This alphabet soup is in Times New Roman. I ordered Segoe Script! May I please speak to the chef?"

'We're not at home, Stu. You can't just order 'I don't care'.'

"May I take your plate or are you still nibbling?"

"We suggest you study the menu in our reading room before being seated in the dining room."

Happy hour.