Sophisticated Dining Jokester Gifts

International House of Excrement

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

Don't go out in the rain without an umbrella....was probably not 'his idea' of a tip, dear!'

'My brother's a proper cook - he's come as a witness'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

'I'm going to bake you a sponge cake...where do we keep the sponges?'

Soup Company: Chicken Stock, Beef Stock and Laughing Stock,

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

Hell's Kitchen specials: Lawyer thermador, barrister kabobs, litigator flambe, attorney tartare.

'Can't we have something other than curry for a change?'

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

'You can do whatever you want, Herb, but I sure wouldn't take advice from a bowl of alphabet soup!'

'I'm sorry, sir, but cheeseburgers are out of season.'

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

'Waiter! There's no hair in my soup!'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

"Are you sure this is the Irish guacamole?"

"The body is eighty-two-per-cent broth."

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

'It's actually cheaper than the bait shop.'

"Some volcano roll!"

Dinner at the Mortgage Restaurant.

"Why didn't you think of that before I put on the icing?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

"This sub tastes much better with some traffic jam."