Soon-to-be Dad Chuckles Pillows

'I'm banking on celebrating Father's Day this year!'

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

'Oh, don't mind Jeff. It's just his turn to change the Baby's nappy.'

'You've got the Vietnam 1000 yard stare. All new parents get it!'

"Please let go of Daddy's chest hair."

'Let me get this clear. You want me to give you paternity leave before the baby is born.'

"It was a difficult delivery."

"Hey, little fella. Welcome to the risk pool."

Welcome to the uterus. Please be seated. Your mother will be with you in nine months.

Dad waiting for baby to be born.

"Wow, yours is already climbing your beard!"

They Removed my Brain.

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

'Good one Dad. Imagine your catch if you had bought us REAl fishing gear.'

'That's my girl. The one in the white uniform.'

Gas Mask.

Open other end

"From now on, just pillage."

A man outside of gents toilet sees sign: New Men - With Baby changing facilities.

'What sort of silly planning is this?...I've got fingernails but no teeth to chew them with.'

'Don't take it too hard, Dad, Mr. Hodes down the street is just having a great year.'

The Impractical Guide to Babies: 'Give us a toot...'

Some blind dates work out just fine.

'Excuse me - could you please get out of my way - I've got a baby.'

Your CV is rather thin...

The baby's really been moving round today.

"It's a Buoy!"

'He definitely has your eyes!'

"Well he smells like his father."

'Look, I think she recognised you!'

'-but Becks and Michael Owen BOTH started youg and I KNOW she's a girl but girls play too,y'know...

Baby Teething.

Poopy Baby

"... me being in the the plumbing trade, I sorted something out."

'Congratulations. You're the father of two tax exemptions.'