New Parent Chuckling Pillows

'Excuse me - could you please get out of my way - I've got a baby.'

Beckett for Beginners: "Waiting for Thumbkin"

"Use your inside scream."

"I said, was... it... a... difficult... birth?"

'Oh Darling look. He's got your colour boogies!'

"How come I always get the crying baby right behind me?"

'I tried those once. They leaked.'

They Removed my Brain.

'Your son couldn't come. He sent his sister.'

'That's my girl. The one in the white uniform.'

'Actually the twins are not hard to tell apart. When I put them down, the one that cries is Dennis.'

"When do I get my phone call"

'One small tooth for me...one giant worry for you.'

"I had the strangest dream. I was suddenly in a room full of people, and I didn't have a stitch on."

'Don't be silly mum, the morning after pill doesn't work 14 years after conception.'

"I'm sorry, James...but I'm afraid Jelly Beans aren't a vegetable!"

Your CV is rather thin...

"No. I have the baby."

Sex Education: "Here's one we prepared earlier..."

The baby's really been moving round today.

"'Do not ignite flares while still in cabin.' SENSIBLE!!"

A drone carries a baby like a stork.

'Don't feel bad. Maybe your son is just a late bloomer.'

'It's half past November, young man! Get back into your room and hibernate!'

"Mommie!"

Caution Slippery When Wet.

'Do I need a pin number to make a withdrawal?'

'Congratulations. You're the father of two tax exemptions.'

'A young boxer'.

Tapeworm befriends umbilical cord,

"On second thoughts let's stay in tonight...now that we have another mouth to feed."

'Oh,and by the way honey,don't juggle Cassie around too much--- she's just been fed.'

Early Trigger Warning

New parents talking about lack of sleep.

Can you believe we're old enough to have kids taking sex-ed? No! Thank heavens they have a curriculum with all the choices. Although