Soil Comedy Fan Gifts

'Is it ok if I just bring in some of our carpet?'

'I started out washing dishes, but when the dishwater tasted better than the soup...'

"Here we go again. Look at me everybody....I'm a cloud."

"Go ahead, tell him... Your friend is correct. Nuts are fruit. Why won't you ever believe me?"

"That's right. An increase in your title!"

Snowman Driver

'And who told you to give the Holy Shroud a good wash?'

"He's a keen conservationist - especially where energy and water are concerned."

'I hate it when they order scrambled eggs.' (chef shaking chicken).

Will hide my face with this sign for food. ?

'Yes Sir, I am at this very minute passing on your recommendations for staff wage cuts to the appropriate department'

Cards Galore.

Two Men Who Wouldn't Get Off the Ski Lift.

Coming Soon: Haunted Homes on 60-foot lots.

"Ah, sweatpants."

'I'd like to apply for a job as a predatory lender.'

Je-Hereford's Witnesses

"Hold on a second there, Roger; Ken's raised some very good points."

'You needn't of bothered, it grows on trees up here.'

'Unknown fact: Cows aren't grazing...they're searching for their contact lenses.'

"Oh, I'm sorry. That procedure isn't covered. Now, spin the wheel to see what you'll pay."

"Oh, boy! My favorite! plotting soil!"

Russian eggs.

Japa-knees

"...and in this circle the wi-fi is particularly patchy..."

Give Chlorophyll.

"Say hello to my little friend!"

Fenton, Griff, Wintz & Barkins - Attorneys-at-law: The Legal We Do Immediately, The Illegal Takes a Little Longer

"We're a bit polarized here, I'm afraid. Ingrid wants to invade Haiti, I don't."

JERRY SPRINGER'S GUESTS TODAY

'It all sounds very nice...But I'm a bit busy. Have you tried the shepherds behind the hill?'

"Your food should be out shortly - just waiting for the exterminators to finish mopping up."

'Sorry...I forgot to mention i'm Dishlexic.'

'I asked my doc for a diet plan and it works great - thanks to his usurious bills, I can't afford a car or taxis and that's why I'm losing weight by walking!'

Torontino Blessing - "Ha! Fucking! Ha!"