Soccer Storyteller Gifts

'If it makes you feel any better, when I was your age, bullies used to put a 'Kick Me' sign on my back, too.'

'We went generic. The players' salaries are affordable.'

For the Wilsons, Gold Medalists Los Angeles '84, bathtime was always a ritual.

'Robert.....Why do you think they call slanted letters italics.'

Footballer holding team mates bum while preparing for a penalty shoot out

'And remember...no sudden moves in the shoot out.'

'I'd do better if I knew all the words you know!'

'It's great that you want a career in football, Timothy, but don't you think being a striker would be more fun than being a goalpost.'

'And now for my William Tell shot.'

"Your Honor, I have a rebuttal witness."

Ref shows footballer green card.

"I must have hit 20 home runs!"

'Now that's what I call a tackle, Brian'

VAR - a nail in the football coffin...

"Other script ideas? Of course! I've been working on one about a killer plant and only your family and a lamp can stop it."

FIFA scandal

Marcus Rashford

What's that annoying buzzing noise? (Vuvuzelas)

Hi! You must be a basketball player,'cause Mom says she's on the rebound!

'You can't go around writing graffiti on every wall you see!' (Football defensive wall).

'Remember, it's YOUR benefit game - go out and foul whoever you like!'

"Long ago men cursed and beat the ground with sticks. It was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf."

'We're the only country where cats refer to this as playing with a ball of string. Everywhere else it's known as football.'

'When I was a kid, we had to do our own instant replays.'

"The Boss said that I should d more diving inside the box..."

Theatre football.

'I'm not awarding a free kick, but RADA has just awarded you a scholarship.'

"Top clubs paid millions for players, we got George for a pint of bitter and two packets of pork scratchings!"

Football Crazy strip two