Soccer Satirist Gifts

Footballer holding team mates bum while preparing for a penalty shoot out

VAR - a nail in the football coffin...

'Tony, you always try to lead.'

"What's he going to do now, break wind?"

A man is trying to play golf with a football boot attached to a stick.

The Golfing Accident

'Let's throw ball. Running game not working.'

United Football Club: In, Out, VAR.

'There! See that? Brad just happens to morph into some kind of hideous amphibian just as he's about to putt? Now tell me she's not cheating!'

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

"You may inflict pain, but it mustn't be severe or prolonged."

Major Bunker (who has been persuaded to join in a game of hockey for the first time, absent-mindedly preparing to drive). 'Force.'

Beijing Olympics - Treadmill.

Volcano Sacrifice Competition

'Anyone else want to get up and leave before the game is over?'

"Before we begin. . . terms and conditions. . ."

Various men worshipping a statue of a football

Runner 007 is given a martini for refreshment.

'Robert.....Why do you think they call slanted letters italics.'

"After the big race, the tortoise and the hare are ordered to provide urine samples."

'And remember...no sudden moves in the shoot out.'

'Focus! Focus! You've just gotta' forget about their home ground advantage.

"I think Simon’s been hit on the head one too many times."

Football Bomb

'It's great that you want a career in football, Timothy, but don't you think being a striker would be more fun than being a goalpost.'

Advertising space on jockeys' bottoms

'Yes, it's a foul. But is it a flagrant foul?'

The solitude of bean farming appealed to the ex-ballplayer after his fall from grace.

"Hey! I know that handwriting, St Valentines day last year!!!"

Racketeer

Loser's Podium.

'New rule. From now on you don't just sit in the penalty box. You also get a root canal.'

'Wait! Better give me the big one.'