Soccer Schemer Gifts

"I don't think much of their defence."

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

'How many times have I told you not to hit the ball with your head?'

'Sure, I took your shovel. Ethics doesn't kick in for a year or two.'

United Football Club: In, Out, VAR.

'No, you can't use your last wish, to wish for another three wishes!'

'I love doing things with you, Dad but couldn't you just coach my soccer team?'

'Why don't you leave the planning of our wedding to me?'

'I've never seen so many strikers in one team before.'

"It evened out, for every free kick they got, we had one against us."

'Not much gets past our new goalie!'

'Why do they call him Neckline Ned.' - 'He's always plunging down the middle but never showing anything.'

Re-Tooling Costs - "Could you be a little more precise than umpteen million?"

"Well I didn't see the incident myself.."

"Look, I know the other team is taller than we are...but I'm pretty sure this isn't allowed."

"Okay...let's concentrate on discussing strategy during halftime."

"An Iraq attack is one thing, but I'm not sure about a Persian incursion."

"Okay, you got this! Who introduced the theory of punctuated equilibrium?"

'This is not what I meant by a free kick.'

"Do you call this a business plan?"

'Since the playing field was sold off we've become a centre of excellence for one-a-side football.'

'Verily, we wuz robbed!'

'Here's the game plan going forward. We acknowledge any and all 'mistakes,' then fake fixing them.'

"I've made myself a success through a combination of long-term planning and short term tantrums."

Football fans discuss a deceased manager: A giant, a legend, much loved. Didn't we sack him?

'Things look much better long-term, once we pass the statute of limitations.'

"I'm in big trouble. The dog ate my homework, and Dad ate my science project."

'Focus! Focus! You've just gotta' forget about their home ground advantage.

And here is where we stooped to the level of the competition.

'Well, I'm glad to have you with us!'