Soccer Banter Lover Gifts

Football Expert: £25 an hour

Scottish Football Fan - "...and please Lord, let the result be against the run of play."

"I'm not using my jumper as a goalpost, sir, I'm using it as a jumper."

A man is trying to play golf with a football boot attached to a stick.

Funky Facts: Football.

'And at what stage did you realise the ball you were heading was on the TV?'

Ball as water-melon.

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'I think I've scored.'

"Can't we have 'PRESS BUTTON' to shut up the commentator's gobbledegook."

"Why so aloof in here? When you're on base, you yak your ass off with every Yankee in sight."

Goalkeeper makes the wrong save.

Various men worshipping a statue of a football

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

The commentators want to run the officials...

An Archeologic Dig

"Great news! Jim at work's promised to lend me all his World Cup DVDs"

Rest in Peace Instant Replay

'Robert.....Why do you think they call slanted letters italics.'

'And remember...no sudden moves in the shoot out.'

'It's great that you want a career in football, Timothy, but don't you think being a striker would be more fun than being a goalpost.'

Sigh. They never ask me to play.

Evolution

Ref shows footballer green card.

"Somebody has screwed-up the seating arrangements" - Seating is an optical illusion.

"Looks like Rick's scored."

"That's okay, I lost my wife years ago. Worst poker hand I ever played."

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'Here comes Ted.'

Can't stand him. He really gets on my nerves, he does. Old curmudgeon embarrassing himself like that."

"I may have bird legs but at least I don't have crow's feet."

"I'll have a Maker's Mark, and she'll have a shot at being the mother she never was."

STILL LIVES - Double Head Match: 'I think we're a match made in heaven.' 'It seems more like the the work of the Devil to me!'

"Some prop-forward he's turned out to be."

'I do hope you enjoy your birthday lie-in, dear.'