Soccer Banter Lover Pillows

Football Expert: £25 an hour

Scottish Football Fan - "...and please Lord, let the result be against the run of play."

A man is trying to play golf with a football boot attached to a stick.

Funky Facts: Football.

"I'm not using my jumper as a goalpost, sir, I'm using it as a jumper."

'And at what stage did you realise the ball you were heading was on the TV?'

Ball as water-melon.

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"Can't we have 'PRESS BUTTON' to shut up the commentator's gobbledegook."

'I think I've scored.'

"Why so aloof in here? When you're on base, you yak your ass off with every Yankee in sight."

An Archeologic Dig

The commentators want to run the officials...

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

Various men worshipping a statue of a football

Goalkeeper makes the wrong save.

'Robert.....Why do you think they call slanted letters italics.'

Rest in Peace Instant Replay

'And remember...no sudden moves in the shoot out.'

'It's great that you want a career in football, Timothy, but don't you think being a striker would be more fun than being a goalpost.'

Evolution

"Somebody has screwed-up the seating arrangements" - Seating is an optical illusion.

Ref shows footballer green card.

"I may have bird legs but at least I don't have crow's feet."

Can't stand him. He really gets on my nerves, he does. Old curmudgeon embarrassing himself like that."

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

STILL LIVES - Double Head Match: 'I think we're a match made in heaven.' 'It seems more like the the work of the Devil to me!'

'Here comes Ted.'

"Looks like Rick's scored."

"I'll have a Maker's Mark, and she'll have a shot at being the mother she never was."

"Some prop-forward he's turned out to be."

'I do hope you enjoy your birthday lie-in, dear.'

'If you don't want to see the disgusting spitting, look away now'