Small-town Storyteller Gifts

"Hello Billy, how is your mother?"

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

Hadleyville Has-Beens

statue in park: 'Arnold P. Rossiter, a local boy who went to the big city and made it big... and now he's back home, flipping burgers, just like we always said he would.'

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

"No, I don't want to live forever, but I damn sure don't want to be dead forever, either."

'the selling of seashells by the seashore was sluggish.'

'He's great, he can even fetch the paper. Off the neighbour's step.'

"Hey! I've got audio but no visual!"

"Trust me, come low tide everyone will want these seats."

'Gee, Grandpa, you sure have a way with animals.'

It's a good thing our neighbors don't know what weirdos we are.

"I'm telling you! They don't know anything! No one is in charge!"

"Welcome to Randolph, Vermont. Don't even think of relocating here!"

Pavement Artist

Punch&Judy/Counselling

Second-hand Slander and Innuendo £10

The Month of June

A child with a parasol is blown off the Chain Pier in Brighton

'It's been five years since leaving Iraq and I'm still getting the sand out my ears.'

"I'm going to read a statement and then I'll take questions.''

Fisherman's catch getting it's revenge

'Your barn door's open.'

'Honey, it's not the Feds. It's the pseudo-feds.'

"Welcome to the neighbourhood. I hope you like savory pies."

Mega Construction Company: Paving Paradise and Putting Up Parking Lots for Over 50 Years. Deal with it.

"This next one's a sad little number I call, 'I left my guitar on the F train.'"

'Not only do you need a good dish to win on this cooking show, you need a good story!'

Shakespeare at the beach ...

"Sure makes a change from New York!"

"This is nothing. You should have been with us last year at Fifty-third and Lex."

John Updike.

And I got an honorary Purple Heart for sticking myself with one of my flag pins.

It was a nice neighborhood untill the A-holes moved in.

"Still a freelance journalist?"