Small-town Star Gifts

Walk of the Stars: Jasperville, Illinois

"This town ain't big enough for the proposed outlet shopping mall at Millet Creek Pass."

1989 Map Of Sorghum Corners, Ohio

"I like New York, but I miss sleeping drunk on my front lawn."

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

Welcome to Yellow Pages, Vermont

"Welcome to Randolph, Vermont. Don't even think of relocating here!"

"I didn't even know Smallville had a set!"

A-Hem! I'm still singing here!

Centerville.

Tenafly International Film Festival

Welcome to a Sleepy Little Town - name available on request.

"Local shopping, local eating, and...I married the girl next door."

"I couldn't find parking in the city, so I moved home, got back with my high-school girlfriend, had a baby, and got a great deal on a new car."

Hadleyville Has-Beens

statue in park: 'Arnold P. Rossiter, a local boy who went to the big city and made it big... and now he's back home, flipping burgers, just like we always said he would.'

"I told you everyone was moving out of the city!"

It was so quiet in town the residents took to taking chairs to the corner so they could watch the traffic lights change.

'You can close rural Post Offices on-line now.'

"Hello Billy, how is your mother?"

road sign: "Gilkers Corners Population 926

"I think we're beginning to chip away at the stigma."

"It's where I grew up, Diane. A sleepy little town where everybody knows what everybody else is doing, and blogs about it 24/7!"

West Fester needs to get with it! Sorry, Twig. We like it dull. Tuba concert. We want quiet, steady citizens. Isn't that discrimination? Only against exciting folks. We welcome boring persons of all races, creeds and sexual orientations. Wow! A rainbow of monotony.

Entering Yoke.

How did you live your whole life in this boring town? I didn't. I went to college in the big city. How could you leave all those exciting, diverse people? If everyone is exciting, they're not diverse. But they're tolerant. Ha! Not of boring people! So that's why West Fester exists!

Just in from St. Paul.

Smalltown, U.S.A.

"I've only travelled the ten miles to town once in my life - then my horse died!"

Another sleepy one town horse.

'Me? I'm from a one horse town. . . It was incredibly lonely.'

Mom & Pop Shoppe: Going Out Of Business (Not that it's your fault).

"This is the close-knit town where a grisly murder reveals a dark secret...."

"Believe me, the street smarts you picked up in Elmwood, Kansas don't carry any weight around here."

"Well, when did you get back to the Big Town?"