Slow Business Survivors Gifts

'When things are slow'

'Our company has hit an iceberg and is sinking fast. Of course, it's all very symbolic.'

They loved the presentation on competing in the marketplace.

"I wrote this one after my third startup failed. It’s called ‘I Got Yer App Right Here.’"

"The Internet startup had only enough cash for one more day. But, miraculously, the money lasted for eight days, until more venture capital could be raised."

"Sorry, but there aren't enough life jackets to go around."

"This controls the speed, this opens the door and if you press the red button a maintenance man appears and gives you a very large bill"

'Now let's proceed downstairs and see where our stock shares presently sits,'

'Our company has hit an icebery and is sinking fast. Of course, it's all very symbolic.'

'Waiter, there's a drone in my soup.'

'McWit Plumbing and Lite Puff Pastries.' The only way to survive in today's economy it's good to diversify.'

'Look at the bright side -- having a business fail when you're thirty is great preparation for your Midlife Crisis.'

'Well, that's simplified the mission statement.'

Well you know what they say - here today gone tomorrow - or in the case of dotcoms, here today gone shortly after lunch.

'I am sorry Davis, your bonus is a bit different this year, its all down to cashflow; but you can take your pick.'

'No tipping please.'

"All in favor of changing out name from '17th Federal Savings & Loan' to 'Still Here Bank'..."

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"Before you speak to the manager, we want to congratulate you on being our one millionth irate customer."

"The cat walking business didn't go anywhere! Neither did we."

"How's that pub landlord thing working out?"

Desk Request

'I'm sorry. The CEO can't come to the phone right now. He's entertaining some prospective clients over lunch.'

Change of Management - Fortunes Told

"Miss Caldwell, write twenty letters, make five Xerox copies of each, feed the whole lot into the shredder, and then, if it's five o'clock, you may go home."

'Because in this economy you make a few compromises for job security.'

'Yes, it is a stressful job.'

They say you can't go home again. They ought to know. They own the company.

'If the market should go down really deep, I'll be well prepared!'

"Sorry for the delay, sir - the 'catch of the day' turned on us."

"Relax―all I want is a good table."

"Everything has been done to death."

"We'd like to switch you from working under the radar to living off the grid."

'I run a small investment firm. Unfortunately, it used to be a large investment firm.'

Vulture waiting outside a failing business.