Singlehood Gifts

"Alone bad. Boyfriend good!"

Hands-free technology isn't just for cell phones. I also like to apply it to first dates. Bar.

'Why cant I find a man who is sensitive, kind and handsome?'

'It's not that I hate ALL men. Just the lowlifes I'm instinctively attracted to.'

"Maybe the next one will be a singles cruise."

Life is for the birds.

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

"Yes, I'm alone."

Still searching for my Prince Charming.

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"Life is too short! Why should I waste my time frantically searching for a mate when I can create art instead..."

No boyfriend, can't be bothered t-shirt

'Don't look now - it's a ghost from our Christmas party past.'

"Alright! Fine! ONE man is an island!"

Desert Planet

"Do you know what girls want?"

"I had guys chase my tail, then one day I thought, hey, dummy, get rid of the middlemen and chase your own tail!"

'On the contrary, soap operas are a great time-saver -- you don't have to get married and have your OWN problems.'

"At this point, I think a rich lightweight would be fine."

"Honey who needs a man when you've got... Rhythm!"

"I had half a date last weekend."

When did this date go down the toilet? I assumed when you went to the men's room that you dropped it there.

"Do you think solitude drives you insane?"

"Being a refrigerator magnet is fine, but I wish, for just one day, I could be a chick magnet."

'Are you seeing anybody?'

"Rose wants to bring up the child on her own."

'Complements of the big smelly gentleman.'

'We fed your application in, and the computer started leaking slime.'

"I'm a free woman. Edgar tried to cross the road."

I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy. Which part do you miss most? Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what tv shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission? Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors.

'And then after we were married for a couple of years your father ran away to join the circus.'

"The dinner date was a disaster! I realised he was still a "Mama's Boy" when I saw he was expecting me to regurgitate his food..."

He's Tasty!

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.