Single Life Gifts

Thanks to 3-D glasses and a photograph of Brad Pitt, Jan always had a date for Friday night.

"The dinner date was a disaster! I realised he was still a "Mama's Boy" when I saw he was expecting me to regurgitate his food..."

"Single!" "Single!" "Single!" "Wait! I'll get my son!"

"I'm experimenting with an arrow that dramatically lowers expectations."

'Are you seeing anybody?'

Still searching for my Prince Charming.

Happy Hour

'I hate singles bars. It's like window shopping...you know, looking at fancy clothes on a bunch of dummies.'

Dating Agency with Best Before Dates.

"Mine's a large one!" "How I wish!"

'It's been so long since I've been laid I hardly remember how to fake an orgasm.'

'Get lost. Can't you see I'm with someone?'

'Is it hot in here or is it just me?'

'On the contrary, soap operas are a great time-saver -- you don't have to get married and have your OWN problems.'

'So how about it, handsome? You must be joking. You're old enough to be my wife.'

"Do you know what girls want?"

Dating Agency: Closing - Everyone Must Go!

Dating site algorithms never die, they just get re-formulated

"Maybe the next one will be a singles cruise."

Man and woman on train both read lonely hearts columns while ignoring each other as they're both using MP3 players.

'Not only is your mojo not working, it apparently has been unemployed for years.'

"Women want more these days, Bill - it's not enough just to be a jerk anymore."

Life is for the birds.

"Hi, I was sent by the temp office. They said you needed a husband."

'You're hopeless.'

'Where have you been all my life?'

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

'We fed your application in, and the computer started leaking slime.'

'That's the story of my life. They're always going the other way.'

When did this date go down the toilet? I assumed when you went to the men's room that you dropped it there.

I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy. Which part do you miss most? Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what tv shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission? Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors.

"Day 973: Still no sign of Mister Right..."

"Finally - my dating app just launched a 'Why am I seeing this loser?' feature."

"Do any of you guys need a wife?"

"Alone bad. Boyfriend good!"