Single Life Chaos Gifts

'Maybe she has allergies.'

Life is for the birds.

"Maybe the next one will be a singles cruise."

'Hi hon! How's the little monster?'

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

At home with the Bones...one skeleton yells at the dog chewing his leg, 'now cut that out!'

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"Have mercy on me, Mama. Have mercy on Mr. Pitiful."

"I need to know who started it."

Still searching for my Prince Charming.

"I couldn't possibly lick another baby right now."

"Yes, I'm alone."

"She was right -- Her teddy bear did squish your action figure!"

"I fell in the mud again. Maybe I need a stunt double."

"The children took off their own coats this morning, Pastor."

Two children play with a pedal bin

'Dad won't buy me a puppy, so I'm teaching him to bark!'

Disorderlies

"Can't you just relax and enjoy my childhood."

'On the contrary, soap operas are a great time-saver -- you don't have to get married and have your OWN problems.'

When did this date go down the toilet? I assumed when you went to the men's room that you dropped it there.

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

"I had guys chase my tail, then one day I thought, hey, dummy, get rid of the middlemen and chase your own tail!"

'What's our stockbroker doing in the shower? Quick! Run and get me a rolled up copy of the Wall Street Journal!'

"Do you know what girls want?"

'How many kids do you actually have?'

'Are you seeing anybody?'

I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy. Which part do you miss most? Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what tv shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission? Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors.

'Found her. Keeping her.'

"Normally things don't get me down. But lately, just getting out of bed has been difficult."

'We fed your application in, and the computer started leaking slime.'

"The dinner date was a disaster! I realised he was still a "Mama's Boy" when I saw he was expecting me to regurgitate his food..."

She hated first dates. She always ended up sounding desperate.

'Dear Dairy, Well... I met someone, and I think she could be Mrs. Alright.'

Augmented reality check