Sex Life Commentator Pillows

"Oh sure, I've had multiple orgasms...I had one in 1999 and one in 2004!"

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

'I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death.'

"It keeps it out of sight when we're not watching it."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"This not the way I envisioned falling in love."

There were a million things Alexander Hamilton hadn't done

"Show me a man who's optimistic about the human race..."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

Man watches a cat enter a pet door to a "V.I.P. Lounge" in an airport

"It's a legal document authorizing you to carry out a Do Not Resuscitate order on my behalf, although heaven knows, you have a hard enough time cancelling a magazine subscription."

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

"The doctor wants you to point to where it hurts."

"Is there someone have called Frobisher?"

"I'm charging you with texting and driving."

Man in traffic jam watches couple row while eating popcorn.

"No way! You're a telemarketer?! This is so great – hold on, I want to get comfortable ... how did you get my number?"

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

Our Troubled Chowders

"They put nipples on the mannequins so you'll look at the stupid sweaters. Duh!"

'No, he didn't have any last words,his wife was in there and she did all of the talking right up to the end.'

'There's a NAGGING blog?'

How it started: How it's going

'I was texting when my pop spilled on my laptop, which made me drop my iPod. So you see, officer, it wasn't my fault. Blame technology.'

'So, did your marriage counseling work?', 'It sure did! -- She ran off with the marriage counselor!'

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

'Her being multi-lingual has it's drawbacks I'm afraid-she nags me in SIX languages!'

"Now who's being judgy?"

'We're looking for a wifi hotspot.'

"It just doesn't crackle like the one on Netflix."

"I did warn you. Mum can take her time warming to a new boyfriend."

"Meaning of life!!" "Meaning of 'Game of Thrones' series finale"

"I'm pretty sure there's a Starbucks on the other side of that big rock."

"Yes I know...she just needs a passport!"

"Scan my own items, bag my own food? If I wanted to work here, I'd fill out an application!"