Marriage Commentator Pillows

"My wife's an angel."

'I'm not complaining, Walter -- I just thought marriage would be more interactive.'

'You can't walk out on me now - I've paid for the dinner and dance tickets!'

He sometimes wondered if his new trophy wife was just after his money. (Towels read 'kin' and 'next of kin').

'My wife understands me, but she's ugly as hell.'

He was married. She could tell.

'His new dental palate deprives him of the delicious agony of tickling the roof of his mouth with his tongue.'

'No, he didn't have any last words,his wife was in there and she did all of the talking right up to the end.'

"Don't you think we've done enough 'begetting'?"

'Julie and I can't stand the sight of each other any more, but there's such stigma around divorce.'

'I wish you'd stop introducing me as your 'current' wife.'

"And where do you think YOU are off to?"

"Hello... Is that the Guinness book of records?"

"...for better OR worse, not AND."

"I thought celibacy only happened if you got married."

"Yes I know...she just needs a passport!"

"I said I was sorry. No need to bite my head off!"

'Don't get me wrong. Marriage isn't ALL angry recriminations and name-calling... Sometimes she's away visiting her mother.'

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

'The trouble with marriage is that it's rigged in favor of the incumbent!'

'Nothing grows in the shade.'

'Marital Status?' - 'Henpecked.'

'If he takes a shine to you, you'll come out looking like his wife. If not - one of his exes.'

'...So we married and I became his 'awfully wedded wife'.'

Newly married man speaking to a friend.

Passer By At A Wedding Service

"I lined it up with our prenup."

"I liked you better as my first husband."

"You never buy anything I want."

"Do me a favor before you come to bed, Ted. Get dressed."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

'I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death.'