Relationship Commentator Pillows

'I'm sorry, Henry, but you're just not cost effective any more.'

"It equals out. I pay alimony to Laurie and Denise, and I get alimony from Brenda and Suzanne."

Bread Winner-Need More Dough

'Yes I do, and so does he.'

"I don't want to get too serious."

'She's his kind of woman and he's her kind of man but apparently I'm not their kind of kid!'

"Goodnight sweetheart I'm off to troll you on Twitter!"

"I married him for his intelligence, turns out that was artificial as well!"

'Do you, Roy, take Jana as your trophy wife, and do you, Jana, take Roy as your sugar daddy?'

'I'm no good at sports, so I'll just have to settle for a trophy wife.'

'Mom, why would I need a husband? Nowadays, everybody works with subcontractors!'

"It's a legal document authorizing you to carry out a Do Not Resuscitate order on my behalf, although heaven knows, you have a hard enough time cancelling a magazine subscription."

"Catherine has brought gravitas to the marriage."

'At first I feared I had become a bad lover... But then, to my relief, I realized the lady has simply died'!

'Typical of a boy - yesterday he wanted to marry me. . .'

"Hmm, this wine is a lot like my wife; well aged but still bitter."

'Honey, I'm home! -- Are you decent?'

"It was the divorce, she took half of everything."

"Apparently women use about twice as many words per day as men do."

"Must I do everything myself? Those are salted nuts."

"If life were a picnic table, you would be the cheap yellow mustard."

"I know there's plenty more fish in the sea, Arron, but your bait's too small to attract anything else."

I'll bet I can remove your wallet faster than you can remove my bra.

'I prefer to hire married men to bachelors. Married men don't get upset when I shout at them.'

'There's a NAGGING blog?'

'I'm reading a book on torture - sleep deprivation, cigarette burns, electric shock - how it can improve a relationship.'

'I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death.'

'I'm cutting carbs - all 243 pounds of him. The divorce is final tuesday.'

Man with forked tongue with caption 'liar'.

'I hope Mom and Dad get back together. I miss the hypocrisy.'

'She gave me my ring back with one hand and back-handed me with the other.'

Downtrodden man.

"This not the way I envisioned falling in love."

'So, did your marriage counseling work?', 'It sure did! -- She ran off with the marriage counselor!'

'We have separate bedrooms because I snore and because I can't stand the sight of her.'