Relationship Pundits Pillows

"I hear you're getting a divorce."

"What on earth do they find to talk about?"

"Would you prefer the talking or the non-talking section?"

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"This not the way I envisioned falling in love."

'Thou shall not covet the neighbours same sex partner.'

"I've never, ever taken you for granted, Ingrid."

'That's one of those May-December love affairs. He's 251 years old, and she can't be a day over 135!'

'Okay, we grew old together - Now what?'

"It's a legal document authorizing you to carry out a Do Not Resuscitate order on my behalf, although heaven knows, you have a hard enough time cancelling a magazine subscription."

'I've been happily married for 15 years... that covers 3 marriages.'

Man in traffic jam watches couple row while eating popcorn.

'There's a NAGGING blog?'

'You will never require the services of a dating agency.'

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

'No, he didn't have any last words,his wife was in there and she did all of the talking right up to the end.'

'Instead of nagging you, Walter, I've decided to write a syndicated column!'

See? This is precisely why we don't encourage office romances.

"I don't see what you see in him."

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

'This is a simple proclamation-of-lack-of-interest date.'

'Here's a list of women I want you to stay away from at the party tonight.'

"I'm a vegan. I don't know what made me order a cheeseburger. Maybe I've got the flesh eating disease."

'So, did your marriage counseling work?', 'It sure did! -- She ran off with the marriage counselor!'

"Now who's being judgy?"

"Yes I know...she just needs a passport!"

'Her being multi-lingual has it's drawbacks I'm afraid-she nags me in SIX languages!'

'I'm no good at sports, so I'll just have to settle for a trophy wife.'

Rob and Maria dated for months, until the day he realized she was made entirely out of soy.

"I liked you better as my first husband."

"This time, she went too far."

Elderly spinster commenting on a marriage

'We have separate bedrooms because I snore and because I can't stand the sight of her.'

"I said I was sorry. No need to bite my head off!"