Dating Commentator Pillows

"Actually, I was looking for someone with a prehensile mind."

'This is a simple proclamation-of-lack-of-interest date.'

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

'I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death.'

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"This not the way I envisioned falling in love."

"It's a legal document authorizing you to carry out a Do Not Resuscitate order on my behalf, although heaven knows, you have a hard enough time cancelling a magazine subscription."

'There's a NAGGING blog?'

"What on earth do they find to talk about?"

'No, he didn't have any last words,his wife was in there and she did all of the talking right up to the end.'

Man in traffic jam watches couple row while eating popcorn.

'You will never require the services of a dating agency.'

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

"Yes I know...she just needs a passport!"

"Now who's being judgy?"

"I don't see what you see in him."

"I'm a vegan. I don't know what made me order a cheeseburger. Maybe I've got the flesh eating disease."

'Her being multi-lingual has it's drawbacks I'm afraid-she nags me in SIX languages!'

'oh...You're home, just when my spirits were rising.'

'Here's a list of women I want you to stay away from at the party tonight.'

'So is this your lazy days of summer, or are we still working on spring?'

"I did warn you. Mum can take her time warming to a new boyfriend."

'So, did your marriage counseling work?', 'It sure did! -- She ran off with the marriage counselor!'

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

'I'm no good at sports, so I'll just have to settle for a trophy wife.'

"Yes, it was good for me - not as good as it was the last time, but probably better than it's going to be the time after this."

"I said I was sorry. No need to bite my head off!"

'We have separate bedrooms because I snore and because I can't stand the sight of her.'

"Sorry I'm late... I was getting our date approved by my lawyer."

"It's over between us Brian. . . as soon as I've announced it on twitter."

Elderly spinster commenting on a marriage

"And he's caring and honest and gentle..." "I'd do her."

"I liked you better as my first husband."

"Check this out - I think the guy behind us just got lucky!"

"Can you hold a moment? I've asked you before not to donate my organs till after I'm dead."