Relationship Columnist Pillows

Colin knew things were going well when he saw his date trying to make him jealous.

'Instead of nagging you, Walter, I've decided to write a syndicated column!'

"When I come to edit my life, this will be a deleted scene."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

'I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death.'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"Would you prefer the talking or the non-talking section?"

"My wife says she wants you to make me fit for purpose."

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"That was Copernicus on the phone – he says you're NOT the centre of the universe!"

Debbie greatly misinterpreted the marriage counselor's suggestion that she and Tom have a monthly 'date night.'

' You're wonderful.' 'I know.'

"He was a rescue."

'Can't you be happy without forever whistling?'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'There you go again...constantly snagging!'

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

'man trouble? What you need is a big piece of cake.'

So … how did you two meet?

"This not the way I envisioned falling in love."

'Huh! You men are all alike!'

"It's a legal document authorizing you to carry out a Do Not Resuscitate order on my behalf, although heaven knows, you have a hard enough time cancelling a magazine subscription."

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

Sadie, the way you objectify football players is unconscionable. It's what? All you talk about are their muscles, square jaws, animal intensity. Ooh. What? I live it when you get all puffed up and macho and tough. And what biceps. Much better. Well played. Girl does what she's got to.

"But in the dream, ha ha, your family was normal, even that sociopath little brother of yours."

Table for two. Whom does sir think he's kidding? You're right table for one. Menu.

'There's a NAGGING blog?'

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

Man in traffic jam watches couple row while eating popcorn.

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

'No, he didn't have any last words,his wife was in there and she did all of the talking right up to the end.'