Serial Monogamist Humorists Gifts

"Stop saying my name, I'm trying to stay incognito! Too many former partners looking for alimony payments in this neighbourhood..."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Gee, thanks pal."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

"I met my first husband at Bloomingdale's and my second husband at Banana Republic."

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

German School

"What are you doing?"

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

Man with dollar sign on his t-shirt.

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

Bank P45's - 'Cashier number 5 please.'