Serial Monogamist Humorists Gifts

"Stop saying my name, I'm trying to stay incognito! Too many former partners looking for alimony payments in this neighbourhood..."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

"Gee, thanks pal."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'I don't think the employees like me.'

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

"I met my first husband at Bloomingdale's and my second husband at Banana Republic."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

German School

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

Bank P45's - 'Cashier number 5 please.'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

Man with dollar sign on his t-shirt.

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.