Self-image Guru Gifts

"Don't make me look fat!"

"I don't post selfies because I don't want people to feel better or worse about their looks."

"You left your demons here last week."

"The goal is to hate yourself."

"Always remember...it takes teamwork to get me that promotion!"

'My new cellphone has a 'self-help' program...'

"Nice haircut."

Thanks to therapy, Bob no longer felt like a nobody. He felt like an anybody.

Let go of the restrictions in your own head.

Warning. Objects in mirror my bear no relation to reality.

"There's a wonderful book on memory tricks here, but I can't remember what I did with it!"

'I'm not complaining or anything, but these are going to be really hard on our self-esteem!'

"What does she have that I don't?"

"This tiny bald spot where your hairline used to be is so-o-o cute!"

DIY information - 'Here you are - look it up yourself.'

'Cosmetic surgery.'

'I can't see anything through these ridiculous tiny slits, I'll take them.'

'The baby took some cellphone pictures of you napping!'

TV-Mirror.

"If I'm coming across as shallow, uncaring and egocentric, talk to my image manager."

Seminar: Find Someone Cool to Imitate.

Declutter Your Life

'More isn't doing the trick lately. What comes AFTER more?'

'I'm at the age when everything Mother Nature gave Father Time is taking away...'

Planned service changes

"Science has proven that if you don't know what you're talking about, people will still take you seriously if you act like you do...Especially if you back it up by saying 'Science has proven' it."

How long have you been delusional?

A man with butterfly wings flies off away from his previous shell of a body.

'When did you first notice the bald spot?'

'If you want them balanced, it'll be an extra 250 dollars.'

"Everybody's just a teensy bit in love with me. How about yourself?"

'I think they're still just sizing each other up.'

A man imagines he looks like a farmer on a tractor on a ride-on mower and

'Seth, please bring me a copy of every search engine article that mentions my name in a favorable light. I need an ego boost.'

'Casper just lost twenty seven and a half pounds, but his head is just as fat as ever.'