Self-defense Pillows

"An excellent defense. Let's give her the doctorate."

'I must warn you, I know tai chi. We can step outside and settle it like men, but it will have to be in slow motion.'

Darling, I wish you'd stop the self defense classes, now you've got Alzheimer's.

'Does this outfit make my concealed weapon look big?'

'Oh oh...this isn't my mace, it's whipped cream!'

Rudolph's Krav Maga demonstration was brief, but from that day forward, none of the other reindeer laughed or called him names.

"Drop it. Back away."

Man fights with his shadow.

'Sorry, Caldwell. My new cell phone has a 'stun gun' app.'

No one liked working the red-eye shift.

'I may be a 97 pound weakling, but nobody kicks sand in my face!'

'Good - there's my purse. This is why I never keep my pistol in my purse.'

"I want my gun to really scream, 'Look out-he's got a gun!'"

"He's not moving. I think he's dead already."

Overjumpers

Attacked GP recommends that every PCT should have a violent patient scheme.

Stun-gun target practice.

"This is a neighbourhood vigilante area."

"Back off. I got house keys and I'm not afraid to use them."

'The bloke from downstairs has come to complain about the noise.'

Veterans Survived

'I don't know if I could really do that to a man.'

Women's Martial Arts Center

Martial Arts: Beginners Welcome.

"I think I'm getting the hang of it now!"

"I tried to warn you Carl, he's a 5th dan black belt in origami...!"

Sign on Door at Karate School For When Door is Locked

"I KNEW we shouldn't have let Health and Safety run the self defence course!"

"So it's kick-boxing now, is it, Debbie?"

"Now, suppose some guy comes at you balanced between two blocks."

"Just Remember, Sweetie - Fight The Biggest One First."

"How long will it be before I feel that I own the night?"

"It occurred to me that there's no rule against having mutant telekinetic powers and pepper spray."

"That wasn't very nurturing of you."

"Gee, you smell good. What are you wearing?" "Pepper spray."