Self-aware Storytelling Fan Gifts

"Do you believe me now? Look at him — he poured my water bowl on your head, not me. He drew us. He controls everything!"

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

The Fourth Little Pig

Victor Hugo

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

'Where was the TSA?'

Saint George and the Drag Queen

Audio Books

"Finally, the alphabet is paying off."

"Bram Stoker's Bambi"

Little Buttercup HMS Pinafore

'Dad's bedtime story was decent, but the special effects were non-existent.'

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

Grizzly bears are gregarious animals.

"Recalculating route..."

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

This side is the gag reel.

See, Catty-O? I told you dinner was included with admission.

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"And that's when the therapist suggested… exposure therapy!"

Moby Dick

This is the new Director's Cut version of Hansel and Gretel...with additional scenes and three alternative endings!!!

'You were great at 'Daniel in the Lion's Den!' -- I'd sure like to hear you do 'The Three Little Pigs' sometime!'

The Awful Lawfuls Chapter 10

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

Hansel and Gretal

Malaprop Man! Adventures. Malaprop Man! Where have you been? At a stupor her comet confection! Did many of your fellow heroes show up? We had a great turnabout! Backman and the Incredible Bulk were there! So was Caption Americ, the Flush, Wander Woman and Plasterman! Very impressive. Who was the most popular with the fans? I think I was the main distraction! I have no doubt at all about that!

"This is what's known as a book."

Jacques et Jille

"It's true, mommy...the chocolate bunny attacked me - it was self-defense!"

'And the wicked stepmother looked into her smartphone and said, "Selfie, selfie in my face, who's the fairest in this place?"

"You're writing a memoir? You're seven years old. Do you honestly think you can capture the interest of readers with such a short—wait, is that my name?!"

Cinderella and Charming the Clown

"I'm sad to hear everybody lived happily ever after. That means no sequels to this story."

Alberich steals the gold