Self-aware Storytelling Fan Gifts

"Do you believe me now? Look at him — he poured my water bowl on your head, not me. He drew us. He controls everything!"

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

The Fourth Little Pig

Saint George and the Drag Queen

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

'Where was the TSA?'

Audio Books

"Finally, the alphabet is paying off."

Little Buttercup HMS Pinafore

"Recalculating route..."

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

Grizzly bears are gregarious animals.

"Bram Stoker's Bambi"

'Dad's bedtime story was decent, but the special effects were non-existent.'

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

"And that's when the therapist suggested… exposure therapy!"

This is the new Director's Cut version of Hansel and Gretel...with additional scenes and three alternative endings!!!

Moby Dick

See, Catty-O? I told you dinner was included with admission.

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'You were great at 'Daniel in the Lion's Den!' -- I'd sure like to hear you do 'The Three Little Pigs' sometime!'

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

Hansel and Gretal

"It's true, mommy...the chocolate bunny attacked me - it was self-defense!"

Cinderella and Charming the Clown

"You're writing a memoir? You're seven years old. Do you honestly think you can capture the interest of readers with such a short—wait, is that my name?!"

Jacques et Jille

'And the wicked stepmother looked into her smartphone and said, "Selfie, selfie in my face, who's the fairest in this place?"

"I'm sad to hear everybody lived happily ever after. That means no sequels to this story."

Alberich steals the gold

"Personally, I loved your novel. Unfortunately, our e-book editor says it just doesn't work on the little screen!"