Scriptwriting Strugglers Gifts

"You never finish your screenplay, but you do achieve fuller, thicker hair."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"Can you believe you left your job and family to search for this key, and it was under here the whole time?"

". . . I called this meeting to communicate that I had dinner Noah..."

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

'Huh? Little Airmyn?'

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

A pretention of playwrights

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

Mensa Does Improv

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

Hollywood producer.

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

"Dad, why do they tell actors to "break a leg?""

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

'Hang on a minute...'

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

Sorry, I thought you said you wanted to see 'Parrot Normal Activity'

"The script is flimsy, the action scenes implausible and the plot would insult the intelligence of a three year old."

"Great money scenes!"

"The studio's asked me to see if I can dumb down some Danielle Steel."

"Don't forget the screenplay."

Puss in Heels

Morgue - "Welcome to 'Celebrity Autopsy'"