Script Doctor Gifts

Directors Chair and Others.

"That script of yours - I've never read such a load of cliched second-rate crap...It'll make us rich..."

Hollywood Think Tank

Why are you always rewriting our scripts, Al? Are you giving yourself the funniest lines? I don

"The character I'm playing has Alzheimer's disease. So, I'm bound to forget my lines occasionally!"

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

"The script is flimsy, the action scenes implausible and the plot would insult the intelligence of a three year old."

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"More rescue efforts, less screenplay."

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

". . . I called this meeting to communicate that I had dinner Noah..."

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

Mensa Does Improv

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

"I believe it was called 'cursive'."

Athens Playhouse. Euclid is rehearsing a play he wrote about lust, money and lies. Investment Sales Office. Don't be obtuse! Face each other from this angle! He's a tough director. It's surprising that Euclid, the father of geometry, wrote about passion, money and deceit. I thought so too, until I read the script. It's a story about a pyramid scheme and a love triangle!

Hollywood producer.

"So, do you see yourself as a car valet who writes screenplays or a screen writer who parks cars?"

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

Script/Director/Producer/Decency Panel.

I'll be honest, Jerry - When you invited me to join your book club, this is not what I expected.

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

Hollywood producer.

'Hang on a minute...'

Actor practising his indian war crys

Mega Cosmic Films. It's about a squad of ninja nuns? Yes, we call it "Force of Habit"!

"Dad, why do they tell actors to "break a leg?""

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'