Script Consultant Gifts

When business got slow in Hollywood, script consultant Herb Purvis made a surprisingly easy transition to the manufacturing sector of the economy.

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"More rescue efforts, less screenplay."

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

". . . I called this meeting to communicate that I had dinner Noah..."

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

"OK, stop me if you've never heard this before!"

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

Mensa Does Improv

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

". . . so, all I really need to do is change one word."

I'll be honest, Jerry - When you invited me to join your book club, this is not what I expected.

Script/Director/Producer/Decency Panel.

Athens Playhouse. Euclid is rehearsing a play he wrote about lust, money and lies. Investment Sales Office. Don't be obtuse! Face each other from this angle! He's a tough director. It's surprising that Euclid, the father of geometry, wrote about passion, money and deceit. I thought so too, until I read the script. It's a story about a pyramid scheme and a love triangle!

'Hang on a minute...'

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

"Dad, why do they tell actors to "break a leg?""

Mega Cosmic Films. It's about a squad of ninja nuns? Yes, we call it "Force of Habit"!

Hollywood producer.

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

"So, do you see yourself as a car valet who writes screenplays or a screen writer who parks cars?"

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

Hollywood producer.

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

Actor practising his indian war crys

'We don't know what the final result will look like, but the movie rights have already been optioned.'

'Ok, this sty is great and all, but can we get some huge explosions? Wilbur, could you say 'it's about to get real'?'

"It's a coming-of-middle-age story."