Script Consultant Gifts

When business got slow in Hollywood, script consultant Herb Purvis made a surprisingly easy transition to the manufacturing sector of the economy.

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

"More rescue efforts, less screenplay."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

". . . I called this meeting to communicate that I had dinner Noah..."

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

"OK, stop me if you've never heard this before!"

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

Mensa Does Improv

". . . so, all I really need to do is change one word."

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

Hollywood producer.

Script/Director/Producer/Decency Panel.

"Dad, why do they tell actors to "break a leg?""

'Hang on a minute...'

Hollywood producer.

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

"So, do you see yourself as a car valet who writes screenplays or a screen writer who parks cars?"

'We don't know what the final result will look like, but the movie rights have already been optioned.'

"Don't forget the screenplay."

"It's a coming-of-middle-age story."

"That movie was very familiar...a cute little girl who hangs out with monsters from a secret world."