Screenplay Scribbler Gifts

John Waters

Multi-Tasking

"Bring me a show with lots of killing. But family friendly."

Hollywood director.

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

Herman Mankiewicz

"Can you believe you left your job and family to search for this key, and it was under here the whole time?"

The New Fundamentals of Art: 'We'll begin with the most basic figure, the trademark attorney...'

"How about we write a song combining Brexit with unrequited love?"

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

"Your editor called again to see if the well was still dry."

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

'Don't write on that wall with crayons! It'll show up better on that wall over there.'

"The trouble with spelling rules is that they impede creativity."

'I'm a writer.' - 'What a coincidence, I'm a reader.'

"Where do you get your derivative ideas?"

Puss in Heels

"Which should we go see: the straight romantic comedy where the heroine's best friend is a gay man, or the gay romantic comedy where the hero's best friend is a straight woman?"

Bird Watching with Binoculars

"Now all we need is a good script."

"I have to ask you a few questions. I've written a screenplay. Would you read it?"

"It's been done, but I don't think it's been redone."

'After three years of writer's block, I began writing about writer's block.'

Hans Holbein

"I've never been this excited about an anal probe before!"

Now that I've written the book, could you put in a good word with the sales team's muse?

"Less talking, more abducting."

Will Self deprecation

"You know that kid that submitted a screenplay to us on the back of a restaurant menu? I'm passing on it. I like the screenplay, but I hate that restaurant."

Dear Diary

'I've worked out that all you need for a summer blockbuster is...'

Fredrich March as Dr. Jekyll

Irvine Welsh