Screenplay Collector Gifts

Woody Allen

'Believing any filming experience may help launch acting careers, some even stage their appearances before closed circuit cameras.'

Herman Mankiewicz

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

Fairy Library - Frontispiece to Jack and the Beanstalk

The Poky Little Pupa.

"Bloody hell!"

"Can you believe you left your job and family to search for this key, and it was under here the whole time?"

"That's her - that's the girl who broke into our house! But her hair was 'goldier'."

"... And this one needs a shot of vodka."

Multi-Tasking

"It's a cow thing. You wouldn't understand."

Wicca Heritage Centre: Hansel and Gretel stayed here.

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

"Toadstool you say? No, this is snailstool now!"

Fairy Library - Cinderella Marries the Prince

Marley had a little lamb

Quentin Tarantino

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

Rapunzcow

Man writing at laptop says: 'It's a UK road movie ??" to give it more scale, I'm making the characters three inches tall.'

"Once, I tried to change the laces, and the Landmarks Commission came down on me like a ton of bricks."

Fairy Library - Hop o' my Thumb Title Page

"One blackbird pizza?"

"Now all we need is a good script."

"Which should we go see: the straight romantic comedy where the heroine's best friend is a gay man, or the gay romantic comedy where the hero's best friend is a straight woman?"

Puss in Heels

"I have to ask you a few questions. I've written a screenplay. Would you read it?"

Alice in Wonderland - Alice Meets the Cheshire Cat.

"When they assured me the solar panels would look like crackers, I said "What the hell!"'

Fredrich March as Dr. Jekyll

"I've never been this excited about an anal probe before!"

"I forgive you, Bumpty."

Irvine Welsh