Screenplay Collector Gifts

'Believing any filming experience may help launch acting careers, some even stage their appearances before closed circuit cameras.'

Herman Mankiewicz

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

Fairy Library - Frontispiece to Jack and the Beanstalk

"Bloody hell!"

"That's her - that's the girl who broke into our house! But her hair was 'goldier'."

"... And this one needs a shot of vodka."

"Can you believe you left your job and family to search for this key, and it was under here the whole time?"

Multi-Tasking

"It's a cow thing. You wouldn't understand."

Wicca Heritage Centre: Hansel and Gretel stayed here.

Fairy Library - Cinderella Marries the Prince

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

"Toadstool you say? No, this is snailstool now!"

Man writing at laptop says: 'It's a UK road movie ??" to give it more scale, I'm making the characters three inches tall.'

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

Rapunzcow

"Once, I tried to change the laces, and the Landmarks Commission came down on me like a ton of bricks."

Fairy Library - Hop o' my Thumb Title Page

Puss in Heels

"Which should we go see: the straight romantic comedy where the heroine's best friend is a gay man, or the gay romantic comedy where the hero's best friend is a straight woman?"

"Now all we need is a good script."

"One blackbird pizza?"

"I have to ask you a few questions. I've written a screenplay. Would you read it?"

Alice in Wonderland - Alice Meets the Cheshire Cat.

Who's Dead

"I forgive you, Bumpty."

"And then the three bears were slowly forced out of the neighborhood due to major corporations cornering the market—The once cozy cottage is now an Air B&B." "The end."

"When they assured me the solar panels would look like crackers, I said "What the hell!"'

"You know that kid that submitted a screenplay to us on the back of a restaurant menu? I'm passing on it. I like the screenplay, but I hate that restaurant."

'Oh man, every time.'