School Systems Satirist Gifts

'They're sending me AND my teacher back a year for not doing well.'

Ethics exam cheater.

What do MD and PHD mean? It means the doctor owes a lot of money in student loans.

"I sincerely hope you learned a lesson this time, Mark. Drawing cartoons on your homework will get you nowhere in life."

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

'The reason the core curriculum seems so ambiguous is that we dot really have a core curriculum.'

'We built this city on Rock 'n' Roll, yeah baby. Is not an accurate assessment of our town's history.'

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"And just how do you expect to become a made man, son, without a solid liberal-arts education?"

"... And don't come back until you're ready to get funny."

"If you do well in your first practicum, you can move on to teaching real children."

'Child labor laws don't apply to homework, Jimmy.'

"11th Grade Math for Nincompoops"

"Guess what. School is presented without commercial interruption."

The old good-cop, psycho-cop routine.

"I don't know about you, but I don't like being a high school guidance counselor."

"Every sixth grade substitute is offered an optional cyanide pill."

"When I said my teacher had no class I meant class was canceled."

'I think you have figured out that, with today's overcrowded prisons, pleading insanity will put you back on the streets..."

"I try to keep my classes relevant."

'A restaurateur prepares macaroni and sells it as pasta. I want you to do the same for the educational program at your school.'

'No Mis Evans. You know only substitute teachers are allowed to carry taser guns!'

"I wish every teacher came with a warning label."

"Parts and labor?"

"Let me know if that level of medication is effective. And if we need to, we can give some to the student as well."

Cash For Places - Penbroke College

I don't need to know any math --- I'm going to be a politician.

"Maybe school's a good thing... I mean...where else do hundreds of people with similar backgrounds come together under one roof...all following a daily routine...with guidance and supervision to better themselves and society? Ya know...besides prison?"

"...And you get hazardous pay for study hall periods."

'Can I go home now, before I get overeducated?'

Students renaming 'in' and 'out' trays with 'shake it all about'.

'Think Basics.'

'Ms. Peters, hold all calls. I'm busy implementing yet another hastily conceived and unproven education innovation.'

"You have to not only show your answer, you have to show how you got your answer."

'Teacher says I don't pay attention, I have no retention but I'm great at detention.'