School Report Satirist Gifts

"It's a note from my teacher...heavily redacted."

Ethics exam cheater.

'Simpson! Stop causing low-level disruption in class now!'

What do MD and PHD mean? It means the doctor owes a lot of money in student loans.

"I sincerely hope you learned a lesson this time, Mark. Drawing cartoons on your homework will get you nowhere in life."

"Of course I failed you — your essay was original and unique and obviously written by a human."

'The reason the core curriculum seems so ambiguous is that we dot really have a core curriculum.'

"Tell me, Frankie, what time is it?"

'We built this city on Rock 'n' Roll, yeah baby. Is not an accurate assessment of our town's history.'

'I have answers to the kind of questions no one likes to ask.'

"And just how do you expect to become a made man, son, without a solid liberal-arts education?"

"If you do well in your first practicum, you can move on to teaching real children."

"... And don't come back until you're ready to get funny."

"11th Grade Math for Nincompoops"

'Child labor laws don't apply to homework, Jimmy.'

"Guess what. School is presented without commercial interruption."

'The first person to learn anything leaves immediately!'

"When I said my teacher had no class I meant class was canceled."

'No Mis Evans. You know only substitute teachers are allowed to carry taser guns!'

"I try to keep my classes relevant."

'A restaurateur prepares macaroni and sells it as pasta. I want you to do the same for the educational program at your school.'

"I wish every teacher came with a warning label."

"Every sixth grade substitute is offered an optional cyanide pill."

"I don't know about you, but I don't like being a high school guidance counselor."

'They've all tested positive for stress.'

Students renaming 'in' and 'out' trays with 'shake it all about'.

'Can I go home now, before I get overeducated?'

"Maybe school's a good thing... I mean...where else do hundreds of people with similar backgrounds come together under one roof...all following a daily routine...with guidance and supervision to better themselves and society? Ya know...besides prison?"

Cash For Places - Penbroke College

I don't need to know any math --- I'm going to be a politician.

"...And you get hazardous pay for study hall periods."

'Think Basics.'

"Let me know if that level of medication is effective. And if we need to, we can give some to the student as well."

'Don't I even get to enter a plea?'

"You have to not only show your answer, you have to show how you got your answer."