School Cafeteria Reminiscer Gifts

School Cafeteria. I'm beginning to understand why the first-graders eat paste. (Published originally on Jan. 11, 1995.)

"This was a wicked-hard test. I'm pretty sure everybody got a bad grade."

'I realize it's not on the menu but I'm on a diet and I'd like an air fern salad.'

'We finished all the repairs in the cafeteria kitchen this morning, but the food still tastes lousy.'

"There are no croutons. I use tater tots on my salad."

'I don't think much to faith school dinners.'

"Dad, did you know Tia Carmen got a job at my school cafeteria?"

'As if school lunches weren't bad enough. Now, they have to be nutritious!'

"I wish I'd failed my 11 Plus too...."

"... And since then, I've been quietly stalking you."

I used to have nightmares about forgetting my locker combination. In their nightmares, they forget passwords!

'Of course I remember you-Tomkins,the Peter Pan of the Lower 4th!'

"Yesterday's weenies have migrated in with today's nuggets."

"Our food supervisor used to be a military cook."

"Next week si my parent & teacher, principal, guidance counselor, crossing guard, bus driver and lunch lady conference. Is that bad?"

'Chocolate pudding to start...it'll deaden your appetite.'

'Please turn it down - Daddy's trying to do your homework.'

"Mexican food?! This is America! I want pizza!"

'Look, we were really misled about how cool you were...Would you mind sitting at another table?'

'I'm brown bagging it today.'

"Your family is pretty messed up."

"School is a lot like life. It's hours and hours of boredom...interrupted by the occasional moment of panic."

"That's the problem with Easter eggs. My mother thinks they're food."

"I won't miss Michelle Obama."

Bulk School Mince.

Honest Sir, I am doing my work. See, I've drawn a blank.

No, pal, I don't know if the chicken is free-range.

"Look what Sylvia Sanchez wrote in my yearbook! I didn't know I was so special to her!"

'Don't let her charm you. When we were in the lunch room, I saw her eating veggies.'

"I always look so old in these photos."

SWAT Team.

'Well of course the custard's lumpy...it's got garlic in it.'

"Podge is stocking up ahead of the dinner ladies strike."

"Well Johnson, you haven't changed a bit."

Bank. I dreamed last night that I was back in high school, and I forgot my locker combination.