Satirical Slimming Gifts

'Do you have any chocolate flavoured ones...?'

"Two vegans, please."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Weight Gain Denial

Full fatHalf fatVirtually fat free.

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

"Is it working?"

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

"There is some evidence that chocolate can be good for you... But the health benefits tend to fade after the first 20 kilos."

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

Fat angel eating halo like doughnut

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

An overweight lazy man chooses to exercise on a motorbike at a gym.

'The secret to great abs? Marker pen.'

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

'Realist Trac, with 4 settings...'

'I'm sorry, we can't give you a surgically inserted gastric band, as it appears you already have two!'

"Will I be searched for chocolate when I board?"

"Imagine bread is a lot like the sun...It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist."

Try to cut down on your salt intake.

'I hate it when they take the food pyramid, mix it all together and serve it in a trough!'