Satirical Slimming Gifts

'Do you have any chocolate flavoured ones...?'

"Two vegans, please."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

The Official Covid-19 Diet

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Full fatHalf fatVirtually fat free.

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

"Turns out it was all water weight."

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"Is it working?"

Squirrels eating different types of nuts.

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

Fat angel eating halo like doughnut

"There is some evidence that chocolate can be good for you... But the health benefits tend to fade after the first 20 kilos."

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

An overweight lazy man chooses to exercise on a motorbike at a gym.

'The secret to great abs? Marker pen.'

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

'Realist Trac, with 4 settings...'

"Imagine bread is a lot like the sun...It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist."

'Great. Looks like I'll be packing on more weight.'

"Will I be searched for chocolate when I board?"

'I'm sorry, we can't give you a surgically inserted gastric band, as it appears you already have two!'

Try to cut down on your salt intake.

Ernie's on a high-protein diet and craving foods he can't have. They're creeping into everything he says. Whatcha watching, Ernie? I'm trying to decide between "Game of Scones" and that zombie show, "The Walking Bread." Later I might watch some "Dancing with the Starch." Ernie, leave room for that political drama you enjoy so much. Oh yeah, I love binging on "House of Carbs"!

'I hate it when they take the food pyramid, mix it all together and serve it in a trough!'