Satirical Santa Fan Gifts

Santa on street corner.

"As you can see, I've alphabetized the items, presents owing if you will, so if you can digitally initial here, here, here, here and here and sign there. Thank you. See you December 24."

'You know who's been naughty and who's been nice? -- you're not using DNA evidence, are you?'

Pole dancers

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

For instance, a $25 delivery charge. You'd clean up right there.

SANTA'S ATTORNEY

Accept cookies?

Santa with a boy on his knee:' I've got your 300 dollars. Did you bring your Mom and Dad's social security numbers and password information?'

'Didn't I warn you not to have the vindaloo?'

"Just put one foot directly in front of the other, sir, and walk in as straight a line as possible."

'Cannibalism has always repulsed me - until i tasted Aunty Judy's knees'

'...So I figured with all of this free cooling why not install a data center?'

I brake for Jetliners.

Woman on a Pedestal. . . Who Married the Mothers Boy.

Santa's elevator

Ho! Ho! Ho! From North Pole.

'Uh oh. Cougar alert.'

Godzilla Auditions For Store Santa

'Hunting doesn't make you naughty, it's natural: Santa knows that...'

'I've always been a great fan of yours. I wrote all your books!'

"He's coming out halo first!"

"Aside from the foot, do you think my parking's getting better?"

'About this patriarchal middle-class morality of yours....'

For Santa's Drone

'What do you mean you don't rent helicopters?' (Santa shot all his reindeer)

Boy Clause

"I should have known when they started letting kids at the mall sit in the lap of someone dressed up as Jeff Bezos."

"Give the little bastards what they want!"

"Damn!. . . Another boil. . . Every Christmas Eve sure as clockwork!"

Christmas Joy, Peace and Goodwill.

Gold, Frankenstein and Myrr ?

'Apparently the thieves were looking for the gold, frankincense and myrrh.'

'You are the unwisest man...goodbye.'

'Do you ever wonder where elves come from?'