Satirical Linguist Gifts

"Our company has a green culture and a passion for the brand marking this a better world!"

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Torturing the English Language

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

Indian rajah rowing elephant in a monsoon flood.

Wolf Danny With "Random""The work must be tantamount to mayhem. Making an insatiable public confused, indifferent, annoyed—this is the premise on which rests my deliberately vacuous oeuvre."

"Gee, thanks pal."

A Copy Editor and His Dog

"Oh, look- French! Let's try it."

"Is it me, or is Jasper Johns a genius?" "Über-genius, Larry. Über!"

"Actually, it's more like a mouse race."

Welcome to Mauritius Home of the Dodo Burger

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

"I see the White House didn't lower the flag to half staff."

'I don't think the employees like me.'

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

"So, like, don't make any big plans for this weekend."

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

Strainspotting

"I'm starting my own movement—Occupy Fifty-Seventh Street."

Looks Like They're Finally Renovating The Toilet

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

Volcano Sacrifice Competition

"I swear, Mr. Drumpf, I meant it in the best sense of the word." "Mr. Drumpf is a moron."

"I'd like to have a word with you about this spirit animal."

German School

Man with dollar sign on his t-shirt.

Litter Tray Stonehenge