Sassy Humor Enthusiast Pillows

"I'll probably die an old woman before I get that bedtime story."

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

Trappist Monk Discord

"Them's cat-fightin' words, Arlin!"

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

'What does it say, Dad?'

HELLth Food Sprouts

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

"...in other news: Google has been admitted to the United Stations..."

'What? I'm scratching the sofa! I'm not! And if I was? It's your fault!'

"Actually, you do have a racist bone in your body."

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

'Staffers don't report we're managing decline. They report we met our targets and did out job!'

Clone Factory

'In my opinion, hold out for a doctor.'

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

Trump Tariffs

"Oh, just the usual here, occupying Wall Street."

'So far, all I can tell you for sure is how much I've charged you.'

"Inactivists"

Man on left - 'What do you call a public servant who spends half their time doing private work?' Man on right - 'An MP?'

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'We're really just a mom and pop store...if mom and pop had 600,000 employees.'

Prescription Drugs '96.

"It's time we did something about the new Healthy Menu option."

"It's ironic. It looks like you're here because you're such a bad cartoonist."

"Facebook VP — you'll be in Circle No. 4."

'Oh my God!! The economy's in ruins! There's no money!'