Sassy Humor Lover Pillows

'What do you mean, 'act my age'?... If I did that I'd be dead!'

A Fact.

'The computer's running on at the mouth again.'

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Crap from the future.

"Them's cat-fightin' words, Arlin!"

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'Remember you told me to be friendly to your boss.'

"Despite thoroughly scraping the celebrity barrel, that Orwellian nightmare Celebrity Big Brother is back on our screens again."

How About Serving Us For a Change

"Ah...summer...and umbrellas as far as you can see...it reminds me of England!"

Honest Voting Stickers

"The way you look at me, Craig... you really see me."

The Monroe Doctrine

'Henry was an undecided voter four years ago when he entered that voting booth, and I'm still waiting for him to decide and come home.'

'What? I'm scratching the sofa! I'm not! And if I was? It's your fault!'

"I'll probably die an old woman before I get that bedtime story."

'No, you weren't there. But in your expert opinion as a certified brainiac, do you think he did it?'

Before disposing of useless information please make file copies.

Evil Henchman Gets a Promotion.

Think tanks.

National Liberty and Tax Codes.

Our large economy size packet hasn't been selling...it's too big to carry home.

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

Suggestions and Cheap Shots.

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

Only in America

'...and do you solemnly swear to update your facebook status to 'married'?'

"It's not so much a minivan as it is a hearse for our youth."

Police Lineup Escape

'For donating half my property to the poor, I'll get the 'Unselfish Millionaire of the Year' medal and a supporting receipt for my allowable expenses!'

'Escape?...Why?'

Dollars Press Conference