Sardonic Smartphone User Gifts

"That vulture just appeared and started picking at my phone. My battery must have died."

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

"He's So Your Type."

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

Man falls off perch

T.S. Eliot calendar.

Special Place in Hell...

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

Good news - we've found your car.

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"When the boss said he could replace me with a trained monkey, I replied, prove it! Me and my big mouth."

"Nothing much. Reading a book by some dead white female."

'You may experience some discomfort.'

"And do you get a shooting pain between your eyes?"

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"Just look at that. The face that lunched on a thousand chips."

"Look Marj, decalf."

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'

'You're obese.'

"People extra suck"

'As long as they're being fished to extinction, we might as well be the ones to do it.'

'Allors Monsieur, let's see... one fish meal... one phone call for the ambulance... that'll be 79,70.'

"This next song is for everyone who has ever been incarcerated."

'Oh, we're just watching a soap opera, I mean waiting for a call.'

"Free Wi-Fi"