Sardonic Smartphone User Pillows

"That vulture just appeared and started picking at my phone. My battery must have died."

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

'You know what'll do wonders for you? A nose job.'

"He's So Your Type."

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

Man falls off perch

T.S. Eliot calendar.

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

Special Place in Hell...

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

Good news - we've found your car.

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"And do you get a shooting pain between your eyes?"

"Nothing much. Reading a book by some dead white female."

'You may experience some discomfort.'

Your honor, my client is a very proud man. He's much too proud to confess to murder, and he's much too proud to beg for mercy. However, he's willing to offer the court a non-denial and a rude hand gesture. Where can we go with this?

"When the boss said he could replace me with a trained monkey, I replied, prove it! Me and my big mouth."

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"Just look at that. The face that lunched on a thousand chips."

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

"Look Marj, decalf."

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.

'I got bored with the pale horse, so I swapped it for a white van.'

'The world will remember me when I'm gone...at least, that considerable part I owe money to.'

'You're obese.'

'As long as they're being fished to extinction, we might as well be the ones to do it.'

Disadvantages of having a parking meter for a friend...

'Oh, we're just watching a soap opera, I mean waiting for a call.'

"People extra suck"

"Free Wi-Fi"