Sarcastic Techies Pillows

'Have you tried turning yourself on then off again?'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

Didn't we fire you last week?

Peep-A-Boo Spyware: 'Your Privacy is Our Eminent Domain!'

'Oh stop complaining, if it wasn't for the mosquitoes you wouldn't get any exercise at all!'

'Tap water?! As if.'

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

I think that computer might be giving out a little too much heat... Energy efficient IT systems.

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

'To be honest, I'm having trouble keeping up with all this new technology.'

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

"I hope you don't think that music while I waited soothed me."

'Well, it's been nice talking to you, even if you are a recording.'

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

"It's okay mate, I only need the cork from your bottle."

"I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death."

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

"Where do you see yourself in five years and what are you doing now to avoid it?"

"Thanks for your meaningful application. When can you start?"

"So, we've processed your loan application and I'm afraid that it doesn't look too promising!"

"Whoa ... hints of rotting carcass, putrid skunk flesh, bear dung, and dead fish. It's fabulous!"

The Kindle was first used used by Santa to keep track of the lists of naughty and nice children, and was originally called the Cringle.

Weight loss programme.

"You should have called me earlier."

'I'd prefer the banks were re-formed and Destiny's Child split up.'

I wandered lonely as a cloud in the shape of an insufferable jerk no one could stand to be around.