Sarcastic Techie Pillows

I think that computer might be giving out a little too much heat... Energy efficient IT systems.

Do it yourself books.

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

Didn't we fire you last week?

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

Peep-A-Boo Spyware: 'Your Privacy is Our Eminent Domain!'

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

'To be honest, I'm having trouble keeping up with all this new technology.'

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

"Where do you see yourself in five years and what are you doing now to avoid it?"

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

"I think I'd be better at leading if I could yell louder."

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

'I let Ed sleep through these meetings. His snoring keeps the others awake.'

"I thought you said his name was Mr Know-it-all?"

"You should have called me earlier."

People who ghosted me

"Friends are like trees. They fall down if you hit them with an axe."

'I'd prefer the banks were re-formed and Destiny's Child split up.'

'We lost six nil!. . . and we were lucky to get the nil!'

'I'd fire you, but anticipating your next blunder really keeps the company jazzed.'

Early mobile phone laws

'Although he can't come to the phone right now, he wouldn't like you to know that your call is of no interest to him.'

"For God's sake Kingston, the patient clapped - what more do you want?"