Sarcastic Techie T-Shirts

Find me anything starring Kim Kardashian. I'd rather not. Ok. Then find me anything starring Khloe Kardashian. I will not. Ok. Then find me anything starring Kourtney Kardashian. Keep this up and I will go on strike. The Smart Home is not all it's cracked up to be. The toaster oven has agreed to also go on strike.

I think that computer might be giving out a little too much heat... Energy efficient IT systems.

Do it yourself books.

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

Didn't we fire you last week?

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

Peep-A-Boo Spyware: 'Your Privacy is Our Eminent Domain!'

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

'To be honest, I'm having trouble keeping up with all this new technology.'

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

"I think I'd be better at leading if I could yell louder."

"Where do you see yourself in five years and what are you doing now to avoid it?"

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

"Whoa ... hints of rotting carcass, putrid skunk flesh, bear dung, and dead fish. It's fabulous!"

"You should have called me earlier."

People who ghosted me

"I thought you said his name was Mr Know-it-all?"

'I let Ed sleep through these meetings. His snoring keeps the others awake.'

'I'd prefer the banks were re-formed and Destiny's Child split up.'

"Friends are like trees. They fall down if you hit them with an axe."

'We lost six nil!. . . and we were lucky to get the nil!'

'I'd fire you, but anticipating your next blunder really keeps the company jazzed.'

'Although he can't come to the phone right now, he wouldn't like you to know that your call is of no interest to him.'