Sarcastic Stretcher Pillows

"How's your exercise class going?"

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'Caesar salad?'

"We should never take walks like this more often."

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

Yoga in Heaven

'You have no new messages in your mailbox.'

Exercise for the end of the day...

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

"Will you stop doing that please? Isn't it obvious to you that I just don't fancy him?!"

'We lost six nil!. . . and we were lucky to get the nil!'

"I thought you said his name was Mr Know-it-all?"

'I know 24 ways to kill a man - add another if I don't get a drink.'

"It's a sampler, like everything else in my life."

'Dang, I told him to take a shower before we sacrificed him to the volcano god!'

'Although he can't come to the phone right now, he wouldn't like you to know that your call is of no interest to him.'

Diet Foods: Bread and Water

"I see that failure isn't an option for you, is it? More of an imperative."

Speed laws enforced by gawkers at accidents.

"This must be 'over the hill to the poorhouse'!'

'Fine, thank you. And how are you?'

'To a vinculo matrimonii.'

"Happy Birthday, dear. Remember. . . it's the thought that counts!"

"How's the divorce going?"

"I tried a slice of pizza yesterday, and frankly I don't get it."

'I appreciate all of your opinions... I just don't want to hear them.'

"This scarf's too tight. . !"

"No, I have not let Jesus into my life, as he might ring the doorbell when I'm dozing on the sofa."