Sarcastic Stretcher Pillows

"How's your exercise class going?"

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'Caesar salad?'

"We should never take walks like this more often."

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

'You have no new messages in your mailbox.'

Yoga in Heaven

Exercise for the end of the day...

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

"Will you stop doing that please? Isn't it obvious to you that I just don't fancy him?!"

'I know 24 ways to kill a man - add another if I don't get a drink.'

"I thought you said his name was Mr Know-it-all?"

'We lost six nil!. . . and we were lucky to get the nil!'

"It's a sampler, like everything else in my life."

'Dang, I told him to take a shower before we sacrificed him to the volcano god!'

'Although he can't come to the phone right now, he wouldn't like you to know that your call is of no interest to him.'

You know, Al, this is your best job yet of stretching a canvas. One of these days, you should look at a painting of mine from the front, Axel. Let's not do anything drastic.

"I see that failure isn't an option for you, is it? More of an imperative."

Diet Foods: Bread and Water

Speed laws enforced by gawkers at accidents.

"I tried a slice of pizza yesterday, and frankly I don't get it."

'Fine, thank you. And how are you?'

"This must be 'over the hill to the poorhouse'!'

'To a vinculo matrimonii.'

Do you mind if I cross-examine the witness from ten feet away, your honor? I want to be in compliance with the terms of a preexisting restraining order.

"Happy Birthday, dear. Remember. . . it's the thought that counts!"

"How's the divorce going?"

'I appreciate all of your opinions... I just don't want to hear them.'

"This scarf's too tight. . !"