Sarcastic Stitcher Pillows

"It's a sampler, like everything else in my life."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

'Caesar salad?'

'I'm not sure how you managed to burn a bowl of cereal.'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

'Nice decorating. I like the clothes and toys everywhere...and the half eaten sandwich really ties it all together!'

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

'You have no new messages in your mailbox.'

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

I think that computer might be giving out a little too much heat... Energy efficient IT systems.

The final reward for a writer... 'R.I.P. At last a deadline I can live with!'

'You're problem is you don't think big enough.'

'Now where did I put my knitting needles?'

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

Affordable homes coming soon - 'If they build these then our house will become affordable...!'

'I'd like to return this sweater I knitted.'

'We lost six nil!. . . and we were lucky to get the nil!'

'Honey! Come quick! I just putted four balls into the jelly jar with my new grip!'

People who ghosted me

'I know 24 ways to kill a man - add another if I don't get a drink.'

'Dang, I told him to take a shower before we sacrificed him to the volcano god!'

'Although he can't come to the phone right now, he wouldn't like you to know that your call is of no interest to him.'

'That mink-lined surprise he promise me - it was an apron.'

'And this is for couples who, whilst not actively seeking divorce, have agreed to keep apart by two chevrons.'

"I see that failure isn't an option for you, is it? More of an imperative."

'Striped cats make me appear thinner.'

"I tried a slice of pizza yesterday, and frankly I don't get it."

'Oh yeah, focus on the negative, why don't you?'

'Fine, thank you. And how are you?'

"Happy Birthday, dear. Remember. . . it's the thought that counts!"

'There's something wrong with my stomach.' - 'Keep your coat buttoned and nobody will notice.'