Sarcastic Slimmer Pillows

Diet Foods: Bread and Water

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"We should never take walks like this more often."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

"I'm beached body ready."

'You have no new messages in your mailbox.'

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

"Will you stop doing that please? Isn't it obvious to you that I just don't fancy him?!"

"How's your exercise class going?"

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

"I think I'd be better at leading if I could yell louder."

'We lost six nil!. . . and we were lucky to get the nil!'

'What would you recommend for a person on a diet?' 'A glass of iced tea and a hefty tip.'

"I thought you said his name was Mr Know-it-all?"

'I know 24 ways to kill a man - add another if I don't get a drink.'

"The smile is courtesy of Photoshop."

"Friends are like trees. They fall down if you hit them with an axe."

'Dang, I told him to take a shower before we sacrificed him to the volcano god!'

'I'd fire you, but anticipating your next blunder really keeps the company jazzed.'

'Although he can't come to the phone right now, he wouldn't like you to know that your call is of no interest to him.'

"And you can forget about a decent bagel."

'Striped cats make me appear thinner.'

"I like to mix up my exercise routine, usually with sitting on the sofa drinking beer!"

'Touch wood'

"I see that failure isn't an option for you, is it? More of an imperative."

Remember, Mrs. Gottfried, no snacking between diet books.

"I tried a slice of pizza yesterday, and frankly I don't get it."

On her doctor's order, Wanda watches how she eats.

"How's the divorce going?"